well.. i did it.

well.. i finally did it. this morning, after a night of really terrifying nightmares that i honestly couldn't remember to save my life (with the exception of the fact that i clearly remember being terrified and waking up short of breath), i woke up and knew that today was the day. for some reason all i could think about was eating. i made french toast and stuffed it down with yogurt, 1/2 a glass of orange juice, two cups of green tea, a few cookies and about 15 decent sized glasses of water (i started to lose count after a while, but i know i had at least 15). there came a point where i completely just forgot what i was doing and just kept consuming. it was scary. finally, when it got to that point of where i couldn't consume any more, i went to the bathroom and purged. i've tried this before, but have always been a little scared and it hurt too much to follow through. i am satisfied that i finally did this, instead of taking laxatives. i bought a pack just in case i ever need them again. from now on i am going to keep a more detailed log of what i eat and how many calories are in each thing (i am going to limit myself to about 900... i limit myself to this number considering how much i regularly exercise). My current weight is 121.. i would like to get down from here to about 105 or 100. on another note, today turned out to be a pretty good day.. my graham technique modern class was cancelled for no apparent reason (i hate that class... ballet's still on, which i am obviously happy about.. i don't like days when i don't have ballet). it is absolutely beautiful outside (high of 71.. hello spring!), and i'm going to a friend's birthday party tonight. i am planning on wearing this really cute dress from american apparel, because it's super tight.. it's my motivation to not drink tonight, because alcoholic drinks have so many calories in them, plus i feel really bloated and fat later on anyway.. even though i'm stressed and could probably use a drink, i do not want to tonight, and i know that dress will be the perfect motivation for me to not consume any. i will probably go to the gym later too, on this lovely day.. i want to go shopping so badly.. i decided i am going to really cut back on my food expenditures because that way i can A: get thinner, and B: buy myself something nice in the process!