crash and burn.

i'm feeling as though the girl i was before i left for school here is just crashing and burning. slowly but surely. it is a wednesday morning and i am sitting on the ground watching music videos on vh1 and eating my breakfast of a yogurt, green tea and an eggo waffle and all i can think about is "should i really be eating this?" and "how much dancing/running will it take to burn this all off?" i can't focus in ballet because all i'm doing is trying to plan my next meal. i stopped taking the laxatives now that i had confessed my usage of them to my mom in a depressed phone call, so i'm trying the "exercise bulimic" thing now. with my gym membership it's pretty easy... now all i've got to do is keep myself from devouring my fridge when i get home from running my 5 miles every day (on top of my dancing in the morning/afternoon). i don't give a shit what anyone tries to tell me about how i look... i do this for my own satisfaction, not theirs. i know people are not all built the same, so considering i was born short, stumpy and muscular, i've got to do whatever i can to look as much like a ballerina as possible. weight has always bothered me, but never this much. sometimes i think i act on this, out of anger with other things. i love it here, do not get me wrong. i was born to live in a city. i was born to dance. i just never thought i'd miss my old life so much.. well not all of it, but some of it. i miss my parents, though i think we get along better now that i'm out doing my thing. i miss my old friends... though i'd really like them to realize that there is so much more to life than the old routine from high school, and that just because i party sometimes doesn't mean i'm off the wall crazy now. yeah.. i should mention that i do enjoy my fair share of alcoholic beverages.. i need to cut back a little.. i think that might be part of why i feel so fat all the time.. plus last weekend when i went to visit my brother's school i was a bit of a mess and apparently got pretty sick... i swear i'm not that bad usually. most of all, i miss my boyfriend.. we've been together for almost two and a half years. from where we started in high school, we both went opposite directions in college. me east and him west. i knew a long distance relationship wouldn't exactly be easy, but i don't think i ever imagined it would be so hard. the first few months we spent apart, i was usually the one convincing him that we COULD make it to thanksgiving.. and we did and it was wonderful.. then there were only a few more weeks til winter break, so we were fine. it was difficult at first but i felt things were looking up. things changed a little later. when i came back from winter break, he convinced me to fly by myself, without my parents knowing to go and visit him.. how did we pull this off? he bought the ticket, and his bills get sent to his school. i went to visit him again over spring break, this time with my parents knowing. even though that was the best visit (and i think we both had the best orgasms we've ever had.. not to embelish, but i felt that was important to add) things changed after that. when i got back to school, we seemed so very distant. one night out of nowhere on skype, he confronted me saying how he didn't know how much longer he could do this. i absolutely hate where i am right now. i feel like he is inconsolable unless we're talking about sex. it is absolutely impossible to get him to just talk about his day or embelish on what he does with his friends or what he's doing in school... then i just feel like a pure idiot for babbling on about me and my adventures just to fill up the awkward silences. do i enjoy talking about sex and fantasizing? yes.. of course i do. i have hormones too. but honestly, i CAN'T do that all the time! sometimes i am really just not in the mood. sex is amazing and beautiful.. and it's very very special between us since we were each other's first, but i don't want our relationship to be only about sex now. we waited a long time, but now i'm wondering if i should have listened to all the parental advice about waiting. i want to be able to satisfy him in other ways like i used to. this frustrates me to no end and makes me feel like absolute shit. i feel like my only purpose is to get him off now.. which is absolutely a horrific feeling. i don't know for sure if that's it, but i just feel so incredibly distant. i've only got a few weeks left here and i know i can stick it out until i see him again because i really do love and care about him, but if he doesn't want to keep it going any longer, i want him to tell me as soon as possible. i don't want to waste my time putting effort into something that he only wants to keep going so he can get something. i'm not saying that that's necessarily the case.. because we could have just hit a rocky patch that will all be fixed when we reunite this summer.. but if it is, i really just want to know. though i love him, cherish what he has to give and want to make this work, if he wants to break up with me, i will not stop him. as much as i would want to keep it going, i don't want to be with someone who doesn't feel the same way about me. all of these feelings about him, me, dance, work piling up, apartment searching and a bunch of other shit, are causing me to just want to break down. the only times i am satisfied are when i am doing ballet or running. i don't like the angry, over emotional girl i have become. i feel like a 90's punk rock song, overflowing with teenage angst haha.. i guess that's an extreme way to put it, but i'm just so angry, sad and confused. shopping would fix that... but i don't have enough money right now.