dear, sweet relief..

today started off a little shitty. i woke up after oversleeping last night, in a terrible mood. i ate a banana and ran to class because i was running a little late.. in between tap and ballet, i was able to run to american apparel and blow some cash on two really cute outfits (and put another on hold hehe), which was nice, but still didn't cure my mood from earlier. i downed a bottle of water, and took what turned out to be the most grueling, awful ballet class i have ever taken and i felt so crushed. i was sore and tight and grumpy... and it doesn't help that my little hungarian teacher is out to slaughter my soul (i mean.. this actually should make me feel good because her paying attention to me means that she actually cares, but still, it's frustrating). i just felt so off. the day started to get better once i had two more ballet classes and modern. being that today is wednesday, it was free sample day from 5:00-7:00 at the local whole foods market, so my friend and i who go every wednesday are able to make a small and healthy dinner out of free samples (normally this wouldn't be good, except that it's like each department gives out a tiny free sample so you get a little bit of vegetables, fruit, grain, dairy, meat, and even a tiny tiny desert sample). it was sunny while we walked to the market, but ended up pouring down rain in a matter of about 5 minutes. i got home, i relieved myself of some major stressors by registered for all of my classes for next semester and also found out that i officially get to lease the apartment of my dreams! i am so excited.. it is so roomy for me and my two roommates. it has a huge living area, a kitchen, two decent sized bedrooms, one bathroom, TONS of closets (both bedrooms have Sex and the City walk in closets!) and a balcony with a fire escape! we're on the fifteenth floor! i cannot wait to move in. with the exception of the ballet intensive that i go to in july, i honestly wish i could just stay in the city and live there for the summer as opposed to going home. now that me and the boyfriend are no longer together, i really have no reason to go home (i do miss my family.. and my friends a little.. but i love the city so much). i just want to get a job and continue living here. i feel like i have changed so much and i just want to put so much in the past and leave it there. i'm kind of breaking free from the restrictions (not only those that were from the relationship, but everything else that has ever held me back) that i had, back living in the suburbs and going to regular school before college. i always had to "be" a certain way and live up to certain standards enforced upon you by living in rich, preppy, whitebread suburbia. i am changing. but change is good. the weather this week went from gorgeous this weekend to absolutely terrible.. but it is supposed to clear up and be up in the mid 80's over the weekend! i am in need of a good weekend. a good stress relieving weekend where i can take my mind off of everything except for weight loss and the photoshoot on saturday.. and maybe i can have some single lady fun too ;]. something i haven't had in two and a half years..

ok... getting serious now

i think i am going to switch my diet around a bit and take it even more seriously.. i keep giving myself too much leeway. i know i exercise a lot, and i know that indulging every once and a while is not a crime, but i keep making excuses and eating things i shouldn't or eating more than i should. i am so frustrated and get taken over by guilt afterwards... and i really would like to not have to purge when i don't have to.. on top of counting my calories, i am going to watch my carb intake (and only eat whole wheat carbs, like i already do), try harder to eat mostly only things that come from the ground, start following the 1/2 rule (anything i eat, i will only eat a half of it.. then i can save the other half for later and have less groceries to buy.. which is a good thing =]) and try to intake more liquids than solids. i wanted to try an all liquid diet, but i know that won't work.. i really want a juicer for next year though. i'm really stressing because i have a photoshoot this saturday morning. i know i'm not going to look as thin as i'd like, but would like to at least feel a little thinner and more confident. i'm feeling so fat.. after four one hour and twenty minute ballet classes and running all around the city to deliver paperwork for my apartment next year, i went to the gym and ran ten miles. i am working so hard, but i just want to shed it all off. i know that can't happen right away, but i wish it would happen faster. i've got to be more patient, i know, but i just am feeling so down about it. i think i'm going to lean more towards anorexia now, but purge only when i feel necessary, or if for some reason i break a rule. it really sucks when you're italian, because you're pretty much bred to love food, but i am determined to overcome that.

good people

before i start with anything, thank you both so much for the comments you left me. i appreciate it so much, and it meant a lot. honestly, like even a few months ago, had i seen this break up coming, i always imagined myself handling it differently. i always had this image of myself really breaking down and going off the deep end. for some reason when it happened, i just felt sad, but like i said, i feel like a weight has been lifted and i can finally take some time to put me first in my life. my life has taken a turn for the positive and all together, i am just a more enjoyable person to be around. when you can feel that something is not right (i felt it for a while) it brings you down in everything that you do. i feel almost as if i'm starting over again. my friends and parents have all been so supportive, and i couldn't be happier knowing that, and finally being in a place where i am comfortable. i've always been kind of a weak person.. my feelings get hurt easily and i'm always scared about what others will think of me. i'm nervous and shy until i get to know people, and i have ZERO self confidence and have absolutely no idea how to stand up for myself. all of the sudden i feel as if i am strong. i feel like i grew up so much this year. my eyes have just been opened to so many things. i am still left a little confused though.. i mean he texted me yesterday just to say hi and last night at like 2 in the morning, he texted me saying, "you're a really good person. don't respond, i just wanted you to hear it." i'm glad that he thinks this, i mean, i'm glad that why we broke up was not for the reason that either of us did anything wrong.. and i'm still really glad that he realizes that there have been times where i think i have been "too" nice to him. him telling me that i'm a "good person" makes me feel really good, but at the same time a little guilty. i don't know... it just struck me as sort of an odd thing to say at that time. i sort of don't know how i should take that statement, but i guess i shouldn't over think it and just take it for what it's worth. it was just so random, and i wasn't sure whether to take it as a compliment or a backhanded insult.. i am getting the feeling that he is a little bitter, but still, if he can't have the same feelings away from me that he can when we're together, then long distance won't work for him. maybe when we've both reevaluated our feelings, it will work later on. or maybe it won't. we will just have to see. my friends have been so supportive of me lately, and are really helping me fill that empty space. i couldn't ask for better ones. on a different note, today has actually been a good day.. i have almost secured my apartment for next year (thank god.. all i have to do is turn in the first month's rent and it'll be taken off the market..), the sun is up again, and i have lost three pounds. my current weight is 118. i also applied to be a spokesperson for this really expensive leotard designer which means that i can get some discounted and even free just to promote the company.. i really hope i get it. since i got out of class so early, i think i am going to go run for a few hours. i try to fit in at least five miles every day, but i think i'm going to shoot for ten today. i really really REALLY need to get back to focusing on my weight.. i'm surprised i didn't gain a lot in a weekend considering how i was force fed chocolates and ice cream =/. i was able to purge some of it, but not all of it, without exercising.

empty space

i woke up this morning and i think the whole breakup thing hit me as hard as it should have. i was sad and a little angry and then went on this whole positive kick the past two days about how maybe this will be a really good chance to focus on me and only me... but for some reason i woke up very depressed and lonely this morning. i can't stress enough how weird it feels to break up with someone.. and the longer you were with them, the weirder it feels. two and a half years is a fucking long time. i feel really lonely because there's nothing romantic in my life. as much as i feel this though, i still know it's better for me. i know it. i don't think that he can handle the long distance thing, and if he is not willing to put all his emotion and effort into it, and can't feel the same way about me when i'm gone, that he does when we're together, then that is not fair to me. that's why he always wanted to talk about sex, or have me send him photos (shit.. now that i think about that.. FML.. he better delete those, or at least make sure nobody else sees those.. i took them out of desperation to keep him happy and do what he wanted. i am an idiot). he wanted that so that he could "arouse" the emotions that he had left in him for me, to remind him of why he's doing this and why he's staying together.. which means we were basically held together for a while by just sex. i can't do that. there have been too many times in which i have needed someone emotionally, and he "couldn't" be that person for whatever reason he could come up with. i don't deserve that.

i won't let this burden bring me down

.. i have to keep telling myself. i am improving in so many ways. i can't stop now. i'm getting thinner and thinner. i am one of the four best ballerinas in my grade (the freshman dance major class is very large, so being one of four is a huge deal). i'm a very nice person, and i am starting to see the beauty in myself more and more. i can't stop now. i am working so hard on being happy. i want to be happy and satisfied with myself, and i feel like with a little time to for once put ME first, i will be able to get so close to that. now it's time to go to the gym.

i won't let this burden bring me down.

well... last night at approximately 7:00 PM, my boyfriend of two and a half years called me and broke up with me. i was devastated, heartbroken, and so much more... i have never felt so empty. i am glad that it was not a bitter breakup, and i deep down inside know that it was for the better..it was nothing either of us did, just the distance that makes him "love me, but not be in love with me." but that doesn't erase the feeling that it hurts. my roommate practically force fed me a pint of ben and jerry's... which tasted delicious, but i feel so guilty about (i purged it with dinner). my friends thought it was important that i get out of the house.. which i'm glad they did because i ended up having a decently fun night. it's just such a strange, empty feeling, knowing that you went from so much "something" to absolutely "nothing" in a matter of seconds. part of me saw this coming because our conversation spiraled down into one of those "i don't know how much longer i can do this.. why are you so confident that we can?" kind of talks, which we've had before (i think that prepared me for it to be coming soon). part of me didn't see it coming at all, just because a random call suddenly turned into breakup. whether i was or wasn't expecting it, what's done is done, and life goes on. i am not going to wallow in my sadness about this.. in a way this is a chance to go out and be a totally new girl than i've been in the past two years. you only live once, and i will make the best of it. i love him still, and there are things that will take a while to get over, but i refuse to sit back and dwell on the past, when i have a future ahead of me. i think this will give me a serious chance to improve myself and not have to put myself second to anybody. it is beautiful out. i am going to walk to the gym, run for a few hours, and then go buy some really nice outfits from urban outfitter. i won't let this burden bring me down.

well.. i did it.

well.. i finally did it. this morning, after a night of really terrifying nightmares that i honestly couldn't remember to save my life (with the exception of the fact that i clearly remember being terrified and waking up short of breath), i woke up and knew that today was the day. for some reason all i could think about was eating. i made french toast and stuffed it down with yogurt, 1/2 a glass of orange juice, two cups of green tea, a few cookies and about 15 decent sized glasses of water (i started to lose count after a while, but i know i had at least 15). there came a point where i completely just forgot what i was doing and just kept consuming. it was scary. finally, when it got to that point of where i couldn't consume any more, i went to the bathroom and purged. i've tried this before, but have always been a little scared and it hurt too much to follow through. i am satisfied that i finally did this, instead of taking laxatives. i bought a pack just in case i ever need them again. from now on i am going to keep a more detailed log of what i eat and how many calories are in each thing (i am going to limit myself to about 900... i limit myself to this number considering how much i regularly exercise). My current weight is 121.. i would like to get down from here to about 105 or 100. on another note, today turned out to be a pretty good day.. my graham technique modern class was cancelled for no apparent reason (i hate that class... ballet's still on, which i am obviously happy about.. i don't like days when i don't have ballet). it is absolutely beautiful outside (high of 71.. hello spring!), and i'm going to a friend's birthday party tonight. i am planning on wearing this really cute dress from american apparel, because it's super tight.. it's my motivation to not drink tonight, because alcoholic drinks have so many calories in them, plus i feel really bloated and fat later on anyway.. even though i'm stressed and could probably use a drink, i do not want to tonight, and i know that dress will be the perfect motivation for me to not consume any. i will probably go to the gym later too, on this lovely day.. i want to go shopping so badly.. i decided i am going to really cut back on my food expenditures because that way i can A: get thinner, and B: buy myself something nice in the process!

beauty is in the eye of the beholder

i know that when you ask most boys what they find to be the epitome of beautiful, they never say that they want a girl who is stick thin and frail. they say that they want a girl with a little meat on her bones.. usually in all the right places if you know what i mean. someone who of course is not obese in the least, but looks healthy and like they eat, but still in great shape. i suppose that's why my best guy friend thinks its so strange that i long to look like a fragile twig. there's something about watching a classical ballet that is so beautiful when it's danced by a girl who is long and thin. ballerinas, typically have long fragile looking limbs and short torsos. the truth is that i don't really care that much what other people think about how i am viewed on the street, but when you watch a real classical ballerina dance, the fragility makes her dancing seem so surreal and beautiful. i don't want to look just like an everyday girl. i want that kind of bony, edgy, surreal beauty that ballerinas and high fashion models possess. i felt so complimented when someone told me that they could see my collar bone and the bones in my chest while i was taking ballet class today. some people don't understand just how beautiful that look is. especially from stage. i'm sure my boyfriend probably wishes i had bigger boobs... my cup size has dropped increasingly since i've been away this year. i'd still like them to be smaller. i still look so stocky though. i want to fix that. i ran ten miles yesterday. i run every day on top of all of my dancing. i watch so intensly what i eat, and drink excessive amounts of water, but nothing seems to work if i'm not purging. sure, watching everything helps me maintain my weight, but i don't want to maintain it, i want to loose it. my mom has always told me i look "healthy". i don't want to look "healthy". i want to look bony, but in a beautiful way. i want to be skinny, a little surreal, not scary and in need of help, but not "healthy."