i woke up this morning and i think the whole breakup thing hit me as hard as it should have. i was sad and a little angry and then went on this whole positive kick the past two days about how maybe this will be a really good chance to focus on me and only me... but for some reason i woke up very depressed and lonely this morning. i can't stress enough how weird it feels to break up with someone.. and the longer you were with them, the weirder it feels. two and a half years is a fucking long time. i feel really lonely because there's nothing romantic in my life. as much as i feel this though, i still know it's better for me. i know it. i don't think that he can handle the long distance thing, and if he is not willing to put all his emotion and effort into it, and can't feel the same way about me when i'm gone, that he does when we're together, then that is not fair to me. that's why he always wanted to talk about sex, or have me send him photos (shit.. now that i think about that.. FML.. he better delete those, or at least make sure nobody else sees those.. i took them out of desperation to keep him happy and do what he wanted. i am an idiot). he wanted that so that he could "arouse" the emotions that he had left in him for me, to remind him of why he's doing this and why he's staying together.. which means we were basically held together for a while by just sex. i can't do that. there have been too many times in which i have needed someone emotionally, and he "couldn't" be that person for whatever reason he could come up with. i don't deserve that.
i won't let this burden bring me down.. i have to keep telling myself. i am improving in so many ways. i can't stop now. i'm getting thinner and thinner. i am one of the four best ballerinas in my grade (the freshman dance major class is very large, so being one of four is a huge deal). i'm a very nice person, and i am starting to see the beauty in myself more and more. i can't stop now. i am working so hard on being happy. i want to be happy and satisfied with myself, and i feel like with a little time to for once put ME first, i will be able to get so close to that. now it's time to go to the gym.
it probably is better for you.
ReplyDeletemy ex was a long distance relationship
he was a professional photographer who
did a lot of shoots in toronto (but based in san francisco) and my dads company is based
in california, so i could fly down for free whenever i wanted. i spent my summers with him, and breaks, some weekends when i wasnt overloaded with work. And he came every couple of weeks for shoots and would stay for a while.
it was perfect, we were so inlove.
until he cheated on me with one of the models
he did a photoshoot for.
he didnt sleep with her, just made out drunk at a release party.
i never spoke to him again, i refuse too
and hes been trying to get back with me
ever since. saying i was the one, he will always love me, he doesnt want anyone else.
but i cant forgive a cheater.
this was in november.
and i know im better now.
i still love him because we were very serious.
we went apartment shopping together & everything.
mind you, cheating on me with a model really
kicked in the eating disorder into overdrive. i convinced myself it was because im not thin like them. and the next time he sees me, which will happen eventually (we have the same bestfriends, like the girl in georgia i was talking about) i want him to see the pain he put me through and how much he hurt me by how thin and frail i look. he hated my ED.
did everything to make me stop, begged, cried but how could i when my biggest competition were LA models? and look who won.
dont let it get you down.
take it positively, motivation to look better
and be happier for the next boy who will
treat you right, put his whole heart into loving you and make you feel amazing :)
breakups are the worst, it's crazy how much it hurts :( buy you seem very strong and insightful about it, i really admire that. *hugs*
ReplyDelete