i know that when you ask most boys what they find to be the epitome of beautiful, they never say that they want a girl who is stick thin and frail. they say that they want a girl with a little meat on her bones.. usually in all the right places if you know what i mean. someone who of course is not obese in the least, but looks healthy and like they eat, but still in great shape. i suppose that's why my best guy friend thinks its so strange that i long to look like a fragile twig. there's something about watching a classical ballet that is so beautiful when it's danced by a girl who is long and thin. ballerinas, typically have long fragile looking limbs and short torsos. the truth is that i don't really care that much what other people think about how i am viewed on the street, but when you watch a real classical ballerina dance, the fragility makes her dancing seem so surreal and beautiful. i don't want to look just like an everyday girl. i want that kind of bony, edgy, surreal beauty that ballerinas and high fashion models possess. i felt so complimented when someone told me that they could see my collar bone and the bones in my chest while i was taking ballet class today. some people don't understand just how beautiful that look is. especially from stage. i'm sure my boyfriend probably wishes i had bigger boobs... my cup size has dropped increasingly since i've been away this year. i'd still like them to be smaller. i still look so stocky though. i want to fix that. i ran ten miles yesterday. i run every day on top of all of my dancing. i watch so intensly what i eat, and drink excessive amounts of water, but nothing seems to work if i'm not purging. sure, watching everything helps me maintain my weight, but i don't want to maintain it, i want to loose it. my mom has always told me i look "healthy". i don't want to look "healthy". i want to look bony, but in a beautiful way. i want to be skinny, a little surreal, not scary and in need of help, but not "healthy."
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